At the moment I'm feeling tired out and a little run down. There is a lot of after hours work to do, so many DIY jobs to do around the house and garden, family relationships and friendships to maintain and nurture. I really enjoy writing this blog but since I moved and lost my broadband connection for 10 days, my visitor numbers have dropped a lot. Sometimes I think, 'is it all worthwhile'?
It was when I was feeling sorry for myself, that I remembered the position I was in, only 2-3 years ago, with seemingly no hope and no future. The realisation hit me like a sledgehammer - of course life is difficult at times, and yes I do tend to get snappy and short tempered with those closest to me, my loved ones, in those difficult times (and always regret it afterwards and apologise unreservedly!) But, that is what makes life so beautiful - the variety!
Life is a roller coaster of ups and downs, a merry-go-round of emotions and struggles, and we've all heard the saying - what goes up, must come down! It's a simple equation and what's more, if we didn't have tough times, how would we come to recognise and appreciate, the amazingly, brilliant times, that we've all experienced at some time or other, in our lives.
How we grade our experiences, good or bad, is relative to our past experiences. Because they are our personal yardstick's, our very own "control" in the experiment that is life. If all a particular individual has to look back on in their life, is tough times and pain, then perhaps they would consider a day that goes smoothly, without upset, pain or struggles, in fact without any kind of event what so ever! As the most joyful, happy day of their lives. It may only rate 2/10 to somebody else, but to them it was a perfect 10/10. How we rate our experiences, is very personal and depends almost entirely on what we've come to expect as 'normal'.
I tend to get caught up so much in the present that I almost forget about both past and future events, which usually results in me getting bogged down in what I'm doing at the time, getting stressed out, and then feeling sorry for myself. But now I've realised that this is happening to me at the moment, I'm able to do something about it, and assess my life logically - Today, I haven't injected myself or shoplifted. I didn't wake up withdrawing or have to search out money, risking imprisonment, death or injury, and I've got a beautiful girlfriend, who loves me with all she's got (even when I'm narky with her!)
On my new 'Kev scale' of good days, I reckon that makes for a perfect 10 of a day!
4 comments:
I often wonder whether it's worth it some days too, because the stench left behind by the label of addiction is sometimes harder to carry than anything else.
One thing that we can't change is other people's reactions to us as addicts or ex-addicts. But I've come to realise that I can use it as a 'weeding out' process, as it brings to the surface, by their reactions, the kind people that I wouldn't want to associate with anyway!
As recovering addicts, we know a lot more about ourselves and tend to have our feet firmly on the ground. We value life more because we know how easily it can slip away.
I checked your blog and it's friends only, is it possible that I could be added please?
Stay with it!
I'll not bore youwith how long I've been in recovery, but on reflection I know now that my worst day in recovery was better than my best day in the depths of my addiction.
Hi Kev!
I must tell you that these days are coming to me repeatedly too. Even if I never was a heroin user... I experience it quite a lot here in States when all of my friends are far away... this blog seems to be a good way of coping with that!
Take care, Pavel
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