Recovery-snakes and ladders:part 4

I walked back to my friends house and apologised to him for my actions, it was a tearful reunion. He knew what I'd planned to do with the money I'd taken, as I'd left him a note trying to explain my actions. I'd hoped my end would justify my means, it didn't.

I then spent the night in an empty flat and woke up to the landlord banging on the door first thing in the morning, kicking me out into the street. What had happened to me? What had I become? I knew I was sinking deeper into a life of pain and social exclusion, that's why I took the OD. Call me selfish but I couldn't face up to the fact I was sinking to a whole new level. Now I'd even stolen from a friend, I was scum. The only way I knew of dealing with these feelings, was by self-medicating, I needed to block out the self-loathing and despair I felt for myself.

I didn't think it could get any worse, but, little did I know the next 5 years were going to be a living hell. Over this period I couldn't even bring myself to look in the mirror. I was the lowest of the low, a failure who couldn't even manage to kill himself. I hated myself but was powerless to do anything about it.

Recovery-snakes and ladders:part 3

It was about 6 hours later when I regained consciousness, I was alone, it didn't look like anybody had been near me. I was absolutely gutted, what was I still doing alive? This could not be possible, I'd injected enough to kill a horse! I decided to walk up to the A&E hospital, not to actually go to A&E but to jump off the top of the car park there. I wanted the immense pain that my life had become to end, and it was the closest high building. A couple of hours later I was 7 storeys up. Looking down, I found that I couldn't jump. I was used to sticking needles in my arm but I'd never jumped from 70 feet before. It scared the shit out of me! I kept drifting in and out of consciousness so I decided to sit on the edge of the thin parapet thinking that the next time I lost consciousness I would just fall off. But, I kept on waking up, still there. This went on for hours and hours until I thought this isn't going to happen, I might as well get down. My problems now were even worse, I'd stolen the money I used to buy the gear from a friend, thinking that my end would justify the means I'd used. I was a complete failure, I couldn't even kill myself and now I'd stolen from a friend, something I'd never done before and now regretted. I didn't know what I was going to do, my options had run out. I was desperate and lonely.

Recovery-snakes and ladders:part 2

We last left my story at the point where I'd given up on life. From there I entered a long period of drifting with the flow, with hardly any hope of ever beating my addiction. Living in a hostel I was surrounded by drugs and drug users, I had no friends outside of these circles and only acquaintances within. Through these years many of the people I knew died, mostly overdosing and some through more secondary causes. I wanted the pain I was in, not just physically but mentally as well, to stop for good. I took a huge overdose of 10 bags of heroin, the most I'd ever taken in one go before was 2, and they were very small. This was not a cry for help, I believed this amount was guaranteed to finish me off and stop my pain for good. I cooked up and slammed it in, within ten seconds my hands and feet felt as though red hot needles were being repeatedly stabbed into them. Within another ten seconds my head felt like it was being crushed by huge weights repeatedly crashing into my temples as though in time with my pulse. Then I blacked out into unconsciousness.....