I wake up, bleary eyed and dis-orientated, frustration bubbles through my veins as sleep has evaded me for what seems like the whole night. My legs feel like two logs after an eternity of unsolicited movement, twitching and kicking repeatedly and I smell like a chemical soaked rag. Anger erupts into a flurry of violence as I try to beat my addiction into submission, after punching myself on the temple, I'm seeing stars.
Eyes closed the water pounds away at my body; my mind meanwhile is frantically searching for peace. A peace that will only come with total exhaustion, and so not really peace but more like unconsciousness. I know searching is useless but I have little control of that part of me, instead I attempt to wash the stench from me - soap, rinse, soap, rinse, soap, rinse. I notice that I have goosebumps all over me still, the heat of the water has no effect on that symptom.
I lie back on the bed, my body, for the moment, feels rather numb. The heat helping to ease the cramps, but my mind still is a tightly wound spring. I start to drift into blackness, noticing as I do so the soap hasn't helped - I still smell like roadkill. All I want is to sleep - to simply not be, anymore.
Twice in my life I've had to stop using methadone without the luxury of reducing slowly. Compared to a heroin detox it isn't as violent but for me it was far, far longer lasting. Something else I noticed too was that even if I had a hit of smack I still didn't feel 100%, they may both be opiates but they affect me slightly differently. Only methadone would get rid of all the withdrawal symptoms. This told me that I wasn't a heroin addict, I wasn't even an opiate addict but rather a methadone addict. Other opiates might help a bit but not even dia-morphine would sort the withdrawals out completely - only methadone would do that now.
But far better than methadone for sorting out withdrawals, is time (and time, goes by, so slowly, and time, can do so much) but enough of the Righteous Bros! I wanted to write about this subject today as I believe it's important to remind ourselves of our past, the good, the bad and the ugly.
4 comments:
Good health and happinness in your ongoing drug free recovery Kev.Uou've had your share of hell.
Dear Kev,
I just found your blog by googling methadone withdrawal exhaustion, and was heartened by your story. I've never heard of the idea of methadone addiction before as opposed to generic opiate addiction. I know methadone has effects at the NMDA receptors which are absent with other opiates. The other possible answer is that if you google methadone-morphia equianalgesia, you will find something like that at low doses of methadone 1mg converts to 2-3mg of morphine, but get over 100mg of methadone and the conversion ration is given as 20-1. So you'd need 2 grammes of pure morphine to give the same pain relief as 100mg of methadone. I can say empirically this is born out in practice (I used 4.5g morphine sulphate and felt nothing much when using 200mg methadone daily. I hadn't read what I've just stated above then, so was really surprised, thinking that my initial 2.5g was a huge dose of morphine and was going to send me off to fluffy-land, and even adding another 2g didn't help). It's just a thought, although in your current sitation it's simply knowledge for its own sake.
More personally, why I responded was not to give putative pharmacological explanations, but to relate to your story, and maybe ask for some advice, or more details of your own case. I'm on day 18 off Methadone (I tapered down from 225mg roughly 5mg a day, and then jumped off. I used clonidine and diclofenac for the w.d.s early on and took lots of supplements, and herbs like Valerian and Chamomile tea). Initially it was pretty rough (I'm not patient so would never have been able to do a standard NHS 5mg week/fortnight taper, so just did it myself), but after about 12-14 days I was eating fine and sleeping 6-8 hours, after an initial total sleep-deprivation which I'm sure you can relate to. The one thing I've not been able to shake, and in some ways today it's been the most noticible is exhaustion. I've managed to walk 2 miles a day, and was starting to swim and even managed 20 lengths (after 10 and 12) on the third time out, but get back home and I'd simply collapse. Today I feel so shattered and my wife has got the flu, so I'm trying to shuffle about and do little things here and there. Just wondering what you're experience of this was, or what the experiences of others you might have come across were, and if there's anything that might help. I do have adrenal extract, which I saw recommended but which I stopped because it had on the box do not take after 1pm, which I assumed to be some warning about interfering with sleep. Sorry to prattle on so, but I'm sure you can understand I'm somewhat at my wits end. I did this once before about 10 years ago, and know that within a few weeks I felt energized. I can remember an initial exhaustion but just don't remember it lingering so long. Maybe I'm just older, or my memory has been tainted by time, and I've just got to ride it out to week 5 or 6! Any advice, kind words, etc., would be welcome. Just seeing your blog was a much needed inspiration to me, so you've helped one fellow journeyman in some small way, and deserve a warm glow.
I'm going to stay anonymous but I'll check back here to see if you reply to me, and if you want to reach me I use the name "Dickon" on drugs-forum.com.
Best wishes with the future
D
Hey dickon, i have read your story and if i can help in anyway that would be fab. I find what helps when you get up from bed if you simply take a deep breath silence your mind and slowly stretch every limb in your body im telling you if there is any trapped energy it all comes flodding out. Also what will help is letting go of this feeling and going with it, i know its hard but you have been through the worst and time is a great healer.you should be proud of yourself
xxxxxxx
I feel like i need to write this as i am on methadone at present. I fell preganant and was very much in the mist of using so acted fast and was put on methadone straight away. Its hard at first to get to the place of leaving your drug of chose and replacing it with another, getting to a position when you no longer need the drug as the methadone holds you then facing the mental torture cause there is no excuse. You have a hit cause you want 1 not because you need 1 and that for me was the difficult bit....But as time goes by you realise how nice it is to wake up in the morning with not the first thought in having a hit.I wake up and enjoy my children i enjoy the peace in my head and most importaly i enjoy being alive. Methadone has given my life back and it feels great. I have had the pleasure of reducing 5mls every 2 weeks and now have reached only 10mls daily how fab that feels.. But im hitting a brick wall i am so desperate to come off eveything but finding the letting go the hardest. I would love it if anyone could give me some sound advise in letting go compleatly.. Thanks for taking time to read this good love and fortune to you all xxxxxxxx
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